Orb magazine: Christopher Mason Can Make Anything Worth Singing About, Even the Junk in Kardashian's Trunk
22/12/2014
TEXT:
How does a jaded New Yorker know when a party is truly chic? Christopher Mason is at the piano, belting out one of his highly original and deeply satirical songs.
It is generally agreed, among the general agreers (you know who you are), that if there is a Noel Coward or a Cole Porter in our midst today, it is Mr. Mason.
Nobody but this Brit wit seizes on a cultural phenomenon, holds it up to the light, examines it through a jeweler’s loupe, memorializes it with deft and un-clichéd lyrics, sets those words to well-known tunes, and performs the trifle with the brio of a high-school band. (Accompanying himself on the piano and slyly grinning all the time.)
Mason can whip up a cutting song about anything that captures his febrile imagination. He deserves to be as wealthy as J.P. Morgan and as publicized as Kim Kardashian. In the meantime, he is dashing off
ditties about those two luminaries (as well as anyone else who chooses to commission his couture compositions.)
In November, Christopher wowed the crowd at the annual fund-raiser for the Morgan Library with his clever send-up of Old J.P.himself. It may have been the first time in a century someone found humor in the frosty financier.Now, just for the heck of it, Mason has turned his attention to the recent hullabaloo about Miss Kardashian’s most important asset, which is in fact her “ass-et”. He did this because he understands that in a world beset by cosmic cataclysms, we gain perspective by focussing on trivialities. Which is not to suggest there is anything trivial about Miss Kim’s tushy–its gargantuan girth is what makes it meaningful, in the eyes of its acolytes.
Mr. Mason’s ode to beauty is called “Bottoms Up: A Cheeky Musical Tribute to Kim Kardashian’s Shapely Derriere”. Here’s a sprinkling of the lyrics. (The full text + photos can be found at houseofspeakeasy.org.)
(to the tune of “I Will Survive”)
“Curvaceous Kim Kardadhian/ In her latest coup de grace/
Has shown the world the splendor of her shapely naked ass!
Emblazoned on the cover/ A sight one can’t forget,
It’s the bubble butt that boasted it could Break the Internet!
If you’re not an ignoramus and you’re culturally aware
It’s been a bumper year for the ample derriere!”
[Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Pippa, J.Lo…….] (then, switching to the chorus–)
“It’s kinda wild/ Cause who’d have thunk?
Such adulation for those girls with extra luggage in their trunk!”
(then, switching to the tune of “If They Could See Me Now”)
“Helen of Troy’s face/ Once launched a thousand ships,
But Kim’s caboose has launched a zillion Twitter clicks!
Though it sure sounds quite deranged,
You best believe it/ Cause the rules of fame have changed!”
There you have it–a semester of sociology in THREE MINUTES.
Anyway, for your holiday pleasure, here’s the YouTube video of Bottoms Up.